Truly, Madly, Deeply
by vratsababe
Summary: Lucius and Narcissa are planning to enjoy a beautiful honeymoon in a luxurious campsite in the mountains, but when things go disasterously wrong they must learn to survive in the wild with no currency and no luxuries.


It was the morning after Lucius and Narcissa's wedding. Rather than leaving the night of the wedding, they had decided to spend their first night at home and take off the next afternoon. They had enjoyed a beautiful breakfast in bed early that morning and dressed for the adventure about to take place. Everything was waiting for their departure at the Black family house in Wales. All they had to do was pick it up and head out.

Their plans were to stay at a luxurious campsite for wizards in the Appalachian mountains of the United States. There they would be able to enjoy massages, swim in the pristine lake, hike on scenic paths, or just enjoy time in their spacious, romantic tent. Her parents took it upon themselves to get everything packed away in the tent. Their clothes, recreational activity supplies, and enough food and wine to supplement an army of giants were contained within the tent bag. It was a great opportunity for the newlyweds to spend time together and appreciate nature as only they could.

Narcissa's father had put the tent in an upstairs closet for safekeeping before they set out. They arrived with not only enough time to grab the tent but also to have tea with Cygnus and Druella as well. They asked all the awkward questions immediately following a wedding night that didn't really need to be asked ("How did it go?", "You figure everything out okay?" "Feeling sore?") and the couple decided that maybe it would have been better to have just picked up the tent. As the time for the Portkey departure approached, they grabbed the tent from the closet, which Lucius swung over his shoulder easily. They waited in the front lawn where the travel brochure was waiting to take them to the states for a wonderful, five-day honeymoon.

It didn't look like they were getting ready to go hiking in the woods. Although they were wearing summer robes, which were shorter and lighter, they were also still arrayed in expensive accessories. A golden pocket watch hung from Lucius's robes and Narcissa was wearing her newest tennis bracelet and matching earrings. In all actuality, it couldn't be considered camping where they were going. There would be wait staff hovering between tents to get them everything they wanted and there was a shopping center in walking distance. No, the Malfoys weren't the kind to be truly "roughing it" and they weren't about to attempt it for their honeymoon.

"It's time," Lucius noted, checking his pocket watch. He took a side of the brochure and Narcissa grabbed the other. Within the minute they were hurdling across the world towards the fresh mountain air of the Appalachians. When they touched down on the ground, however, they were stunned by what they found. They were in the mountains but not where they were supposed to be. These mountains seemed much too high and rigid to be in Tennessee. Lucius looked at the brochure in his hand and shook his head.

"Lucius, where the hell are we?" Narcissa asked with the same sinking tone that he felt. "This isn't right."

"I have no idea," he replied, looking around in a panic. "There must be a mistake."

"How big of a mistake?" Narcissa inquired as if he had done this on purpose.

"How the fuck would I know, Narcissa. I don't even know if we're in the States," he spat, running a hand through his fair blonde hair. He then apologized, "Sorry. It's not your fault."

The area they had ended up at was gorgeous. It was green and lush and the sound of water could be heard nearby. The trees were tall and ancient, standing like silent soldiers guarding the mountains. Wildflowers grew everywhere, tiny and yellow. There was a big problem with the area, however; there was no sign of human life anywhere. They concluded that the Portkey had taken them to the Himalayas.

"Come on," Lucius said with a sigh. He readjusted the tent bag on his shoulder and began to walk away from the mountains. He stopped when he realized Narcissa wasn't following. "What?"

"We're lost," Narcissa choked through sobs. Lucius rolled his eyes and set the tent down, walking to her and embracing her. "We had this whole honeymoon planned, I even made an itinerary, and now we're in some foreign land without any way of getting back for five days."

"We'll figure things out. We have a tent full of everything we would need to get by," he said, rubbing her back. "Besides, it's a honeymoon. I have you, you have me, and we have a beautiful bed and a cellar worth of wine in that tent."

She pulled back, rubbing her eyes. She responded, "I guess you're right. It wouldn't matter if we were in the Gobi Desert. We're not really going for the hiking anyway."

"That's the spirit. I guess we'll find somewhere to set up and see what we're dealing with," he said and kissed her on the forehead. They walked through the trees down south and ended up finding a beautiful lake to set up next to. The water sparkled like tiny diamonds had been thrown out across the surface. Across the lake, Narcissa observed a doe and her young drinking from the water and sighed.

"You know, this is really beautiful. Maybe it won't be so bad," she said, setting her arms akimbo and smiling widely. Lucius had unpacked the tent and laid it out on the ground. He looked at it on the ground for a moment; it was a great deal smaller than he had expected so far, but the inside was what mattered. Two stories of luxurious living space lay inside. When he waved his wand and the tent assembled, however, he knew the magical expansion charms on the inside wouldn't supplement what they were supposed to have.

"Um, Narcissa?" he called, eyes still fixed on the tent. "I think we have a problem."

"Don't tell me that, Lucius," Narcissa said from where she sat near the shore. "Don't play with me like that."

"I'm not joking," he replied. "This isn't our tent."

"You are kidding," she stated, getting up from the rock and coming to stand next to him. She laughed. "Haven't you ever used a tent, Luce? It's bigger and nicer on the inside."

She led the way into the tent, but stopped dead just inside. Lucius ran into her when he entered. "What are you… doing…"

He was thinking the same thing she was; this definitely wasn't their tent. It was a small, grubby studio layout with a tiny kitchenette, a pocket sized bathroom, a dining table for two, and a queen-sized bed with the ugliest floral comforter imaginable. It reeked of cigarette smoke and the carpets looked like they hadn't been cleaned ever. Narcissa clenched at her stomach as she walked further into the tent and stopped in the middle of the room, looking horrified.

"This is a nightmare. I'm dreaming," she said, turning and looking around. "This isn't reality. This is not happening…"

Lucius walked up to the cupboards and opened them. A dead rat fell out and Narcissa screamed before bursting into tears. He opened the ice box and closed it quickly, coughing from the smell of the rotten food. He shook his head. "This is ridiculous."

"We must have grabbed the wrong tent," Narcissa sobbed, taking a seat at one of the dining table chairs. "I think I saw another tent bag sitting in there, it just didn't process."

"Well," Lucius began but fell short. It was worse than anything he could have imagined. They had no food and no means of communication on top of having no clue where they were. "Fuck."

"Stop swearing, Lucius. It's making things worse," she said from the table. She rested her head on her hands and stared at the table, her tears falling and wetting the wood surface.

"I don't think my choice of words could possibly make this situation any more of a hell than it has spiraled to," he replied in frustration, taking the chair across from his wife. "We have no way of making it back to Britain, I'm sure we can't find any Wizard society around here. If we find anyone around here they'll likely be Muggles, IF we can find anyone."

"Don't say that. I feel sick enough as it is," she pleaded. "How are we going to eat? What are we going to wear? This is an absolute disaster."

"As much as I will regret saying this, I think we should go looking for food," Lucius said, swallowing hard. "Do we have anything we can trade if we run upon… Muggles?"

Narcissa scoffed, "Like what? You better not be expecting me to sell my jewelry!"

"What choice do we have?" he spat. "We'll starve in these woods. I can buy you a hundred bracelets when we get home."

"You mean if we get home. We could be eaten in these woods," she replied, wiping the tears off the table with the edge of her robe. She shrieked when she saw how dirty this had made her robes.

"We have to do something. We'll clean this place as best we can and it'll all be okay once we find some food," he comforted, grabbing her hands and stroked them with his thumbs.

Cleaning the filthy tent was more of an adventure then they had expected. They had never been expected to clean, so trying to do a decent cleaning spell was difficult. Lucius had taken on the more disgusting jobs, as every time Narcissa attempted them she began dry heaving or crying. It was no walk in the park for him either, but it was much better than putting up with the drama. Feeling thoroughly disgusting, they finished the task in about an hour and were now beginning to get hungry.

"We better go look for food," Lucius commented, wiping his brow with the back of his hand. "We may have to kill a… wild boar or something."

"Disgusting," Narcissa said weakly, standing from the corner of the bed. "How would you expect us to be able to get it back here anyway?"

"We would have to drag the carcass, gut it out front, and cook it," he mused. As he talked, Narcissa's jaw fell further and further. She looked ill again.

They took off from the little tent and headed south. To their great relief, just over another hill was a tiny village. It was a very steep hill to climb down, but they made it. The streets were dirt and carts and bicycles threatened to run them over. Neither Lucius nor Narcissa had ever stepped foot in a Muggle village before and this little Himalayan town did not make a good impression on them. People stared at them as they attempted to navigate down the roads, as they had likely never seen people as pale as the Malfoys. Narcissa clutched Lucius's arm for protection. They happened upon a bustling market place with people yelling in a strange language. Together, they spoke French, Russian, and Latin; none of those languages were flying from the crowded market. It was a truly frightening scenario to be stuck in.

A young man, dirt and dust clinging to his clothes, came up to them, waving skewered food in front of them. Narcissa almost reached out to grab one, but Lucius stopped her. "I wouldn't."

Narcissa looked at him, a bit hurt, but decided it was in her best interest that she didn't take the food. Lucius attempted talking to some of the vendors in Russian, but it was of no use.

"No one here speaks any language we could even pass off," he said with a shrug. "Maybe we should just hold up what we have to trade. They'll understand us if we're waving gold in their faces."

Lucius held up his pocket watch and whistled loudly. Suddenly, all of the surrounding villagers started to hold out coins, chickens, fabric, and other trading commodities. Lucius sized up all the offers before him and took a large sack of coins from one of the merchants. He asked in broken English, "More?"

"He speaks English!" Narcissa exclaimed. She took off her earrings and bracelet and held them out. He handed her a sack as well as he took the jewelry from her grip. She looked upset as her and Lucius walked away from the tent and began to browse the stands. Lucius wrapped his arm around her.

They ended up buying a hefty amount of rice, a large clay pot, two small bowls, some bamboo shoots, a bar of soap, and a few Muggle outfits for each of them that looked like they had been stolen from lost American tourists. Their sacks of coins were nearly empty now and the small amounts they had left would be reserved for more supplies when necessary. As they began the ascent back up the hill, Lucius stopped and turned.

"The man who bought our stuff set them on the counter, right?" Lucius asked with his hand on his chin.

"I think so," Narcissa replied and Lucius immediately cast a non-verbal spell. They waited in silence for a moment before the trinkets came whizzing towards them. Lucius handed Narcissa her earrings and bracelet and she cast him a wicked smile. "You're naughty, Lucius."

"Doesn't pay to be complacent," he replied, casting a cleaning charm on the watch and replacing it in his pocket. He smirked at her as she pocketed her own jewelry. Just then, Narcissa heard a clucking noise getting closer and closer. From the underbrush came a large chicken followed by several small chicks. Narcissa screamed out loud and clung to Lucius.

"Narcissa, they're only chickens," he said, removing her hands from him. "They won't hurt you."

"They're dirty Muggle chickens and I don't want them following me," she fired back, kicking at the air to shoo the chickens.

"If we're lucky, they'll follow us back and we can eat them," Lucius said with a laugh. Narcissa glared at him.

Sure enough, they arrived at the magically-protected tent with the chickens in tow. By this point, Narcissa had become rather attached to them.

"Look at how cute the little babies are!" she exclaimed, talking in a baby voice. "Who's a cute chickie? Who's a cute little chickie?"

"Really, Narcissa. I think you've grown to like the little nuisances," Lucius commented as they stepped back into the little tent. Narcissa waved a hand dismissively.

"Nonsense. I can comment that they're cute without falling in love with them," she said. "I think I'm going to take a shower with our new bar of soap. I feel filthy after being around _Muggles."_

"As you wish, my love," Lucius said and pecked her on the lips before she disappeared into the tiny bathroom.

Various exclamations came from the bath as Narcissa was in there. The water went from too cold to too hot and stopped altogether as she showered and Lucius's eyebrows raised when comments pierced the otherwise silence in the woods. He was working on fixing dinner with the limited resources they had gotten from the village. He could at least procure boiling water from his wand into the clay pot to cook the rice. Other than that, there wasn't much else to be done… until an idea came to mind.

Narcissa emerged from the shower, hair soaking wet and without makeup. She exclaimed, "We have no towels so I had to dry myself with my robes."

"At least you can take a wand to your hair," Lucius commented monotonously from the kitchen. She looked rather unhappy in a Muggle tee-shirt and denim shorts, but perked up at the sight of food. Lucius placed the two bowls on the table, filled to the brim with rice, bamboo shoots, and some sort of poultry.

"Lucius! You're wonderful," she cried and leapt from the table to embrace him. "I had no idea you could cook."

"I hardly count this as cooking. We don't have any utensils so I transfigured some tree bark into spoons," he said this all as if it were no big deal. In reality, for a pampered prince like himself it was a large struggle. "Eat up."

He also brought a crystal goblet filled with freshly purified water for each of them. As Narcissa began to eat, she realized just what the poultry-like substance was on top of the rice.

"Lucius… you cooked the birds, didn't you?" she asked in horror. Lucius looked at her with a mouthful of food, wondering how this could be bad.

"Yes. And?" he said through his food. Narcissa exploded.

"HOW COULD YOU? THEY WERE SO CUTE!" she screamed. Lucius rolled his eyes.

"It's food, Narcissa. We need to eat substantial meals," he replied, trying to keep an even tone at her irrational outburst. "Would you rather be out there gnawing on tree bark?"

She fell silent, but started to cry. Lucius was starting to get annoyed at all of the water shows she had been providing him with in the last few hours. He rubbed the stress from his brow. "I'm sorry I cooked your little friends but it's for your benefit."

She wiped at her eyes and picked up her fork again. "Right."

After eating, Lucius showered while Narcissa picked through the small knapsacks that each of them had slung over their shoulders when they journeyed for a source of entertainment. Luckily, she found that she had tucked a toothbrush, toothpaste, and makeup compact in her bag with a few first aid potions. Lucius had brought two books, his toothbrush, a razor, and a pack of cigarettes, which she was annoyed to find. He only smoked on occasion but it bothered her greatly. It was one of his more annoying character flaws. He emerged from the bathroom in his boxers, drying his hair with hot air from his wand.

"Ah, I see you've found my books," he said, idly brushing through his hair with his fingers. She held up the pack of cigarettes with an annoyed look on her face. He sighed. "Cissa…"

"Why do you have these?" she asked, holding them as if they were explosive. "I thought you said you wouldn't anymore."

"I don't usually. I brought them in case I got stressed out," he protested weekly, almost whining. "Give them back?"

She tossed them at him disgustedly and returned her attention to the novel before her. Lucius put them back deep in to the knapsack and came to sit beside her on the bed. He turned into her, kissing her chin, then her cheek, then her lips. She responded to the kiss briefly before turning away.

"Lucius, I'm sorry. I can't even think of having sex right now," she said, scooting away just a bit and dog-earing the page she had been on. He looked at her like she was out of her mind. "It's just so dirty and gross on this bed."

"It's our honeymoon," he replied in disbelief. "It's all about the sex."

"I know," she tried to explain, "but so many things have gone wrong that it doesn't even feel like a honeymoon. I feel sick, I'm angry, I feel so disgusting… it's all wrong."

"Says the girl whose idea it was to have sex in the mucky locker rooms at school," Lucius remarked with a bit of venom. He crawled under the covers and leaned against the pillows, turning away from her. She removed her shirt and shorts and crawled up next to him, wrapping her arms around him. He turned to face her and she kissed his forehead. Sighing, he let her snuggle up against him and they fell asleep.

The next morning they awoke to the sounds of birds and other forest sounds. Narcissa crawled out of bed before Lucius and stepped outside in her undergarments. It was beautiful and sunny outside. The mountains were clear and mighty in the morning light. The lake sparkled, reflecting the forest like there were two horizons, one on top of the other. She stretched, taking in the fresh air until a loud bleating scared her out of her mind. She screamed and Lucius jumped out of bed. He ran outside. "What? What's going on?"

Narcissa was cowering as a large mountain goat came walking slowly towards her. She quickly hid behind him and he sighed. "Get back inside, Cissa. It'll go away."

They dined on rice and bamboo shoots again and Narcissa made noises of disapproval the whole time they ate. Lucius kept looking up whenever she would scoff or cough in distaste. He finished his bowl and set it in the sink. He looked out the tent flap.

"Why don't we go for a hike like we had planned?" he suggested. "We could go up that small foothill and come back."

Narcissa stood from the table, finished with all the watery rice she could possibly stomach. She joined her husband in looking outside and sighed. "Might as well. It could be fun."

Halfway up the hill, they decided it wasn't fun. Narcissa had scratched up her legs pretty well climbing through brush Lucius had been careful to avoid. She was crying again and whining for Lucius to slow down in his ascent. He stopped atop a rock and waited impatiently, sitting on the its smooth top until Narcissa reached it and sat with him.

"This is too much. There are no paths in this whole damned forest!" she complained loudly, examining the scratches on her fair legs.

"We're almost to the top, Cissa," Lucius commented. "We may as well keep going."

Lucius reached the top of the butte first. He looked out over the lush Himalayan landscape and let out an impressed whistle. Narcissa trudged up the last small stretch and stopped, panting, next to her husband. When she finally looked up, she was amazed with what she saw. The land was beautiful. For as far as they could see were green, blue, and white landscapes. Lucius rubbed Narcissa's back lovingly.

"We made it," he said simply. "It's pretty great once you reach the top."

"Yeah," she agreed. "It's really something."

He leaned in and kissed her deeply. "Good job on making it up here."

"You say that like you didn't think I could," she said jokingly.

The descent took a great deal less time than it had taken to ascend. It was pretty easy, actually, until Lucius twisted his ankle. In addition to this, Narcissa had gotten attacked by mosquitoes and was having a reaction. They got back to the tent in serious pain, Lucius using a smooth branch for a walking stick and Narcissa walking with difficulty from all the bites. Once inside, Narcissa collapsed onto the bed and Lucius sat in a dining chair, supporting his injured foot on the opposite one.

"It figures," Lucius said after they had sat in silence for a long time. "We finally find some good in this trip and it's ruined just like that."

Narcissa groaned and rolled over, grabbing her knapsack from the bedside. She looked through the potions she had and pulled out a vial of orange liquid. She then spread it all over her bug bites. Lucius raised an eyebrow as he watched her.

"You wouldn't happen to have any painkiller, would you?" he asked hopefully. When she shook her head, he sighed. "I'm going outside to smoke then."

"That won't make it better!" she called after him.

"Bite me," he responded. He leaned against a nearby tree and ignited the cigarette with the tip of his wand. He could hear a sort of rustling in the underbrush and looked for the source skeptically. A large white and black cat emerged from the forest and he stepped back, shocked. It began to growl and he whipped out his wand in defense. Before it could move another inch, he cast a particularly powerful stinging spell its way and it fell motionless. He bent down with caution and felt the cat's neck for a pulse. Sure enough, it was dead.

He stood, a bit perplexed at how this wild cat could have fallen dead because of a stinging spell. He had expected it to just run away, not die. He called back to the tent, "Narcissa… I think you better see this."

Narcissa painfully waddled to the tent flap and peered out. "What? What did you do?"

He indicated the snow leopard on the ground and Narcissa let out a high pitched squeal of delight. "A kitty! How did you not wake it up by yelling?"

"It's dead, Cissa," he replied in a blunt tone. Narcissa clapped her hands to her mouth. "It was about to attack me."

"You're killing all the wildlife, Lucius!" she screamed, hitting him in the shoulder. He winced slightly.

"Can you please be careful?" he asked, indicating his leg. "This was an accident."

She exhaled frustrated and crossed her arms. "This wouldn't have happened if you weren't out here smoking."

"I wouldn't be smoking if I weren't in all this bloody pain from my ankle," he fired back. "Can you please drop it?"

She glared at him icily before turning her attention to the dead cat. "What are we going to do with it?"

"Pity there aren't any taxidermists out here," he said idly. "We could get you a nice muff or hat."

She shook her head.

Dinner was a bit of an interesting affair; rice with snow leopard meat. Narcissa had disliked the idea at first, but the end result was quite delicious. She still had no idea how Lucius knew how to prepare dead animals for eating, but gave that little thought. It was more supplemental than just bamboo shoots. They found some playing cards underneath the bed afterwards; that kept them occupied for the whole of five minutes. It was a spark of pure inspiration that led Narcissa to her next thought.

"There's a lake outside," she said suddenly as Lucius shuffled the cards.

"Yes there is," Lucius replied in an obvious tone.

"Let's go swimming!" she exclaimed, getting up from the table and taking off her shirt. Lucius now looked intrigued.

"You don't have to ask me twice," he said as she kicked off her shorts. He removed his shirt and jeans and followed her outside. She removed her underwear and bra as she reached the edge of the lake, resting them on the rock she had sat on the previous day. She waded into the cold water, her husband following closely behind. It was much chillier than she had expected, but then again, it probably had an inlet from one of the mountain streams. They waded into the water and immediately their lips met. Narcissa brought her hands up to Lucius's hair. His traveled to her waist and pulled her in close. She could feel his body against hers, slick in the water, and she was filled with burning desire. _This_ is what a honeymoon was about.

A screeching acted as an alarm clock the next morning. Lucius and Narcissa had fallen, tangled on the bed when they had returned inside and the screeching was a jolt back into the small grimy tent. Lucius sat up and saw a large owl sitting on the table with a roll of parchment tied to its leg. He got up and untied it, reading the contents quickly. A smile spread across his face.

"Your parents are looking for us. They know we're not in the States," he told Narcissa, bringing the letter to her. "We can get home sooner. They're sending us a Portkey this evening."

"Just when I'm finally starting to enjoy myself," she replied with a hint of sarcasm. "I want to go home."

"I know, Sweetest," he sat down next to her and embraced her, kissing her head. "We'll get home soon enough and sleep in our own bed and eat something besides rice."

"You have a way with words, Darling," she said, kissing him on the cheek.

They decided to sit outside and wait for the Portkey. They transfigured a mushroom and a stick into quill and ink to reply, saying they were still okay. The spot they had taken rest at was a large field of wildflowers and tall green grass. Narcissa lay with her head on Lucius's chest and they both looked up at the clouds passing slowly.

"I don't want to jinx it or anything, but it's really nice outside today," Narcissa commented. Lucius made a low noise of approval in response. "I mean, I don't think we could have spent this kind of time together in the States."

"It has forced us to be resourceful," he noted. "Who would have thought we would learn to eat snow leopard and dress in Muggle clothes?"

"I prefer not to think about the second one," she said quickly, still feeling quite dirty in the clothes they had bought. "I love being with you though."

She turned over to face him. He looked down at her and smiled, wrapping his arm around her. "Then the whole experience wasn't totally worthless, was it?"

"No. I wouldn't say that at all."

The Portkey arrived just an hour or so later, courtesy of the large post owl made to travel the distance in a short time. Before dinnertime, they were standing in the lawn of the Black house and being fretted over by Narcissa's mother.

"You both look dreadful! What on Earth are you wearing? Get inside now. You need showers, clothes, and a meal," she said very quickly, ushering them inside. "You must have had a horrendous time."

"Yes and no," Narcissa replied. "A honeymoon is about spending time together and we did that."

"Yes. And we killed a snow leopard," Lucius mumbled and Narcissa snickered under her breath. It may not have been the most luxurious honeymoon ever but it was certainly the most memorable.

* * *

Thank you very much for reading my longest one-shot as of July '09! Just to make a clarification: I did not disregard the possibility of Apparition... they don't know how close or how far it is to a place they know, so Apparating would be very dangerous and put them in danger of splinching. :)

Please review!


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